I’ve been living in a pit of despair for the last month and a half. I’ve lost 2 of my beloved pets, Peanut and Max. They were both 10 year old English Bulldogs. They both had problems. Peanut passed away from liver failure in February and Max had a tumor that had spread. He passed away in March. There’s been a lot of sadness and crying in our household. Not to mention a major fight with our teenage, college daughter who thinks our life is too depressing and it’s too “toxic” for her. I know experts say girls don’t develop their frontal lobe, which is used for reasoning, until they are 25 years old. But she’s just at a selfish age.

I don’t really want to get into that so much. I’ve been dealing a lot with emotions and my depression. Days and weeks go by and I’m numb, I feel hopeless and growing more hopeless by the minute. I don’t know why I’m alive. I just want someone to put me down. Is that possible to just say inject me and let me die. I don’t see a way out of this. I give up God. I just want this to end. I’m just being honest. I’m deformed. I can’t live with the new me. I don’t feel I’ll ever be the same. I know I’ll never be the same.

I wish I could say I felt God or Ge spoke to me in that moment to comfort me. But God is so far away.

I don’t feel him.

I don’t hear him.

I don’t think he cares.

I’m feel alone and now full of self pity, which I hate. I hate feeling sorry for myself. Why can’t someone just put me down and out me out of my misery?

My doctor upped one of my meds. Then 2 weeks go by, still feeling horrible and hopeless and he decides I need to up another medication. So another 2 weeks go by.