Crying in the shower seems to be the new norm for me. It allows me to release my emotions and wail as loud as the water. Plus there is no wasting tissues on my tears and snot. I can just be me. Nobody comes in to try to hug me and fix me. I can just R E L E A S E my tears. But crying can be hard sometimes. I have come to realize the area where my brain was affected can make it hard for me to produce emotions. Most of the time I’m sad but it’s hard to actually cry and once I start, I can’t seem to stop.

So why was I crying? Why was I not. I mean my life is totally upside down. My world is flipped. I am sad. I am not the same. I am scared. I am missing my old life.

Who is this new me? I don’t know her. I don’t like her. I don’t want to accept her. I guess maybe that’s my problem – ACCEPTANCE. I think if I don’t “accept” her or my new reality, maybe it will all go back to before. I have been battling this for 9 months and I’m losing. I think it’s time I “accept” I am different.

I feel defeated like I’m giving up fighting for my old life. I feel if I move on, I’m surrendering the fight for the great, old (loveable) me. I don’t like the new unlovable me. I can’t see any qualities of this new me.

I may not like the new me now BUT can I learn to like / love the new me. Maybe in time…… we will just have to see …