SOMETIMES WE CAN CONFUSE THE END OF OUR STORY WITH THE MIDDLE OF OUR STORY.

Today at 1:25 pm something stirred up in my heart and I felt compelled to start journaling my thoughts again.

This started as a thought, possibly a follow up response I wanted to jot down so I wouldn’t forget to share with my therapist. I wanted to ensure the next time we met, I would clarify a response I made to her.

* * *

But it unraveled to be much more. . . I started this blog 21 months ago, a little after my stroke happened and I never made it public. My thought was to journal and for others to witness God’s healing through me so I can give Him glory but almost 2 years later, my healing has not come the way I envisioned it will. I have been too scared of what others think of me. I am not a writer and not the best communicator so making this blog public was an extremely difficult decision to make, one I had back out several dozen times even after feeling a few ‘nudges’ but still disobediently pushing them away . I am a perfectionist so I have not gone back to even read or proofread what I’ve written in past months. <Sigh> I recognize all that I just rambled on about was shame. Shame I feel because of my worthlessness in myself. I was never good enough for me.

Shame of what others think of me.  People will see how broken I am internally and now how broken and flawed I am externally

I will need to trust God to take it from here and make beauty from ashes.

* * *

It’s not shame, it’s guilt that I feel when I sit around and not spend time on doing my exercises. I don’t have time to relax, the clock is ticking. That’s why so many people fall trap into procrastination.

The biggest lie the devil ever told is that you have time.

I believe I have to push my body. That’s how people run marathons, they push and they train even when they don’t feel like it or want to. Honestly, if we waited for us to ‘feel like doing something’, nothing will get done. Every-time I feel discouraged about the lack of progress I’m making, my husband reminds me this trial is not a sprint it’s a

m a r a t h o n.

• Slow, steady, endurance, consistency and repetition to form new neural connections.

Nobody will want this more than me. It’s nobody’s responsibility to push myself beyond my limit but me. I am only responsible for my own life. I can give up or I can PUSH for the IMPOSSIBLE. Who says what is possible for healing? THE DOCTORS? The other stroke survivor who didn’t see the results they wanted? Our brains are powerful, nobody has ever tapped into its full potential. MY GOD IS THE GREATEST PHYSICIAN AND HEALER. ☝🏼 I have to push my brain to the next limit.

I can’t see the impossible until I push past the possible.

SMT

I believe that is why so many people give up when they have a stroke. It FUCKS with your body and mind. It makes the broken more insecure, the weak even weaker, it paralyzes not just your body but also your mind, doubt breeds fear, takes away your hope, robs you from believing there is possible healing, and can destroy your future. I can say all this because I lived it and fell prey to these lies for over a year. The doctors are doubtful, our medical system is broken, clinical studies don’t offer any real help, there’s not many success stories shared of healing – BUT they never met someone like me. The ability to heal has a lot to do with the person you were BEFORE bad things happen.

I AM DETERMINED. I AM DEDICATED. I AM RELENTLESS. I AM A FIGHTER. I WILL NOT GIVE UP IN WHAT I BELIEVE MY MIND AND BODY IS CAPABLE OF. I WILL NOT SURRENDER.

I WILL PUT MY FAITH AND BELIEF IN JESUS. I BELIEVE GOD ALLOWED ME TO GO THROUGH MY ALL PAST BULLSHIT TO PREPARE ME FOR THIS VERY DIFFICULT VALLEY I AM CURRENTLY IN.

I know Jesus is by my side and all praise and glory be to HIM.

THERE IS ONLY ONE OF ME AND THAT IS MY SUPERPOWER!
THANK YOU JESUS FOR ALLOWING YOUR HOLY SPIRIT
TO WORK THROUGH ME!!!

I truly felt the Holy Spirit when documenting all of this.