The thing about depression is that it’s not something you can just stop feeling or even explain why you’re feeling it. It’s not like you can say snap out of it, you have too much going for you that you shouldn’t be depressed. It’s a weight that you feel deep in your core that robs you from all your senses. it’s a lost of hope, a feeling of self pity. Not even a cute puppy can stop the feeling of depression. Now when you mix in the roller coaster of hormones and bipolar depression, you get a new concoction of doom feeling. I started to realize my feeling of sadness came in waves. I was never at a really high point of happiness but there were days I felt less depressed than others.

Maybe it had to do with the over extended welcomes and meetings of families for the holidays and my birthday. I didn’t feel there was much to celebrate but God did allow me to make it to my 45th birthday. That is something to be grateful for. We went to brunch and saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with group of really good friends and my birthday twin, one who actually shared the same birthday as me. Then the day after my birthday, another couple of our really close friends made my family and I dinner and a wonderful chocolate mousse cake. We played games and laughed just being around each other’s company.

The roller coaster of emotions started with gatherings and bad news about my Max’s health (my dog, found a tumor that was not removable) starting just before Halloween. Then it was Thanksgiving, more birthdays, my birthday, more birthdays then Christmas and New Years.

I spoke to my counselor in therapy about my mood swings and she proceeded to tell me in her 16 years of therapy, she felt I was one of her most depressed patients. I had the most progress in the shortest amount of time but yet I was the most critical and sad she’s seen. She wrote a note to my doctor for awareness in hopes there could be some change to be made in my medication. She also called my husband to express her concerns on my depression.

Coupling issues with family, finances, my health and my future I was in despair. One thing remained and it was my faith and the determination and discipline to get up and go to therapy and give it all I got. I cried everyday. I was only living for my husband and daughter. I couldn’t leave them. But I couldn’t love myself the way I was and I didn’t want to. As the 200 + days went by and after the holidays, I hit bottom. I cried and was angry and I hated myself so much. I was in pain physically and mentally but I didn’t want to take or drink anything that could cause me to lose more brain cells. Legal and illegal drugs were out of the question. I didn’t want to escape my horrible life. I was afraid I wouldn’t come back to face it. I couldn’t afford to lose anymore. Instead I kept it to myself and I prayed, I sobbed and I prayed more. I was a total hot mess. I’d wake up in pain. Imagine not being able to move and you just lay there in pain. It looked like I was doing well because I could “walk” but I was in pain all the time. My family knew I was depressed but they didn’t understand my physical pain or the extent of my depression. I only shared with God. I have been making minor improvements here and there but I couldn’t see them as meaningful or functional. After my therapist got involved. My doctor ended up prescribing me an additional medication.

I share my depression with you because it was a huge part of my recovery journey. I started my new medication on 12/31. About 1 week later, I feel asleep praying but still hating my life. I woke up that morning of 1/9 feeling like a different person.

I was refreshed in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. I felt hope for the first time in over 7 months. Nothing in my progress has changed, just my attitude and thought. My pain was still there. But I had a different thought. If I never fully recovered my functions, I can still have joy. I can still be a great wife and mother. I still have my work ethic, my cognition, love, determination, stubbornness, discipline and thank God, my common sense. But I honestly did not see that before. My physical pain is still there and I’ve gotten a few X-rays and MRIs. Still some shoulder subluxation and frozen shoulder. Some minor fraying of my tendons in my shoulder and hip.

I know God will use me in some way. But more importantly, I believe my functions will be restored in time. Just not as soon as I hope it would. Right now God wants me to just Be Still and know that He is God. (Psalms 46:10) in another words, SURRENDER. I was really afraid I would have a relapse from my high. The coming days are still roller coaster days but I haven’t gone completely back in my quicksand cave. I do have daily moments that I feel attacked by hearing the devil say I’m never going to be same, I’m never going to get there, it’s going to be too hard. I hear it everyday and each time I say Jesus’s name and know the devil flees just to hear Jesus’s name. My future is determined by God and I know He has great plans for me. (Jeremiah 29:11)

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭46:10‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭ESV‬‬

As I have been trying to find light in my life and be light to others I came up with this exercise. I also want to share a video of my arm progress. Keep in mind, I totally couldn’t move it at all in the beginning. This is about control of my arms. I’m doing it laying down. The next move is to learn to make the connections while standing up which is against gravity and much more difficult. Still no ankle movement so I’m walking with an AFO. I have a long way to go but I’m hopeful. Everyday I see a new connection appear.

I know this recap was coming from a day I felt hope, probably a high moment, and as I continue to blog in real time, my words may not sound as encouraging to others. Whatever you are going through, just know there’s someone out there who understands your pain, your despair and is not sugar coating the rawness of this life. More importantly, I truly believe Jesus loves you and has a plan for your life. Hang in there my friend.