On October 18, 2021, we made the decision to sell my car. I was incredibly heartbroken. Not because of the car but it was another reminder of what my stroke took from me. It was a symbol of my lost independence. I loved my car, it was little and fast like me. And now I had nothing. I was being chaperoned around like a child. I had to ask for a ride. I was no longer in control of my comings and goings. I felt robbed. My vehicle had been sitting in our garage and due to COVID, I had not been using it for work prior to my stroke. I still owed payments and was paying monthly full coverage insurance. Furthermore, there was uncertainty of my work situation and how long I would have a job. While the economy was still stable, it seemed to be a wise decision to sell. My husband assured me it was a temporary situation and I would buy another car when I was ready to drive again.

In the state of Texas, when you have a stroke they don’t actually revoke your license. There’s not a ‘flag’ in the DPS system that indicates you’re disabled. In another words, my license was still valid. I’ve always been a bit of a rebel and following rules was never my kind of thing. However, my stroke made me super self conscious and I wanted, needed assurance and validation that I was able to drive. One of the the traumas associated with a stroke is the constant self doubt and insecurity inflected by others and myself. The narrative was I had a brain injury and I had to rely on others to tell me if I was ready or not. Don’t get me wrong, there are people who had a stroke and have cognitive deficiencies. Although I believed I was not impacted cognitively, if you tell a person long enough they aren’t ready, they will start to believe it. I think this is where my tenacious personality saved me. I was determined to get my life back. I had actually done a test drive to church which was less than 10 minutes away from my house (I never shared with my therapist 😜)

My Occupational therapist gave me a bunch of ‘reaction’ tests and I had to do meet a goal of x reaction time. She kept increasing the goal and then started adding memorizing random words. I had 10 words I had to memorize and then wait 2 minutes after the test to repeat all 10 words. In my opinion it was pretty useless. I think her justification was testing memory on directions. However, we all know that’s what Google maps and GPS is for. After I past all my cognitive and reaction time testing, she had me take a computerized driving assessment.

On 6/23/2022 I went to take the driving simulator. These were the exact notes I recorded in my journal for that day: I’m unsure how I feel about the day. I took my driving simulator today and did not do so great on it. Spent about 2.5 hrs on it, I had 5-6 collisions, hit a ‘fake’ deer and 2 ‘fake’people. Actually I didn’t hit 2 people, I saw them, passed them but they continued to walk towards my vehicle after I passed them. Technically, they hit my car for being stupid enough to keep walking after I passed them. I know it’s flawed but at the same time I’m upset at the results and myself. That stupid computer assessment actually made me afraid to get back on the road!

Thankfully, I had some sense in me and people I trusted to tell me the computer driving is not “real driving” IT’S FAKE. But I think the fear and doubt had gotten to me. Although I know how to drive, my fear was getting behind the wheel and hurting someone else. My rehab doctor didn’t want to be held liable so he wanted me to pass the fake simulator driving before he would sign off of my driving. Which actually was not needed. I think because I was so dam persistent, my OT pawned me off to a driver instructor who worked with people with disabilities.

Community Independence Solutions works with individuals who have mental or physical disabilities and help provide options for adaptive equipment to help them gain their independence through driving. I would strongly recommend you look up their information and reach out for more information: http://www.communityindependencesolutions.com/

I immediately called and ended up speaking to Joe Francis and after exchanging a few phone calls, we set up time to meet and take my cognitive and driving assessment. My cognitive assessment took less than an hour and then I got behind the wheel of a real car on the real road. Since I currently can’t use my left arm and hand to assist with turning the wheel or using the blinkers, Joe’s ‘adaptive ready’ vehicle remedied that with a steering knob and an adaptive blinker with a right crossover.

The steering knob was similar to what they called a “suicide knob” back in the day. I think even capable people should use this because it’s awesome! The crossover adapter hooks onto the left blinker signal and allows me to use my right hand to control the blinker signal. These were the 2 adaptive equipment I needed based on my current deficits. They take time to assess your situation and propose what they recommend would be most beneficial on a person by person basis.

Although I was legally able to drive, my biggest fear was getting myself in a situation that could jeopardize someone else’s safety or have some crazy lawyer try to sue me. I wanted to drive conscious free and without fear. I knew I was covering my bases and doing the right thing. My goal was to protect my family and our assets. In order for me to do that, I would have to learn how to drive with the adaptive equipment and have it recorded on my license. What does that mean? That meant I had to take driver’s education classes on the road with using the adaptive equipment and retake my ‘on the road driving test’ in a vehicle with the adaptive equipment installed and parallel park with it🤦🏻‍♀️.

Joe warned me of all the ‘new’ rules they look at. Did you know you are supposed to have a car length in between your car and the car ahead at a stop light, SERIOUSLY?! That’s why there’s so much traffic. I’ve been driving since I was 16. Back in the day, smoking a cigarette, driving stick shift and juggling my phone and occasionally trying to put on mascara too. Women are the queen of multitasking and you are trying to get me to unlearn all the wonderful techniques I was so good at before.

Joe recommended we spend 4 hours behind the wheel. Although he was incredibly kind and provided a lot of helpful tips. The hardest part was not falling back into my old routine of gunning it at the yellow light or coming to a complete stop at the stop sign before proceeding. He had a ‘formula’ for parallel parking. It was a great formula but because this is real life, formulas only work when everything is lined up perfectly- which is not LIFE.

Notes from journal on 9/16/22, day of my driving test: I’m extremely nervous. Today is my driving test. My appointment is scheduled for 10:10am. I feel ready to take the test but yet I’m still unsure and scared I could fail. I pray it is God’s will for me to pass this test today. Praise Jesus! I passed my test with a 88!

My parallel parking was rocky. I started with Joe’s formula but I didn’t like it. I asked the instructor if I could start over and she was ok with that. I had a total of 5 minutes to parallel park. I drove out and did my usual Stephanie formula which is mostly use my own instinct and pivot as needed. I knew how to parallel park and going back to my own skills was what I needed. She opened the door and I did a perfect parallel parking. Score! Then we proceeded to the road, neighborhood and highway assessment. I immediately turned off ‘Stephanie’ driving and turned on ‘student driver’ mode. The 15-20 min drive was torture to be on my best behavior. I was sweating in places I didn’t know existed. I was relived when we finally made it back to the parking lot and she told me to find a place to park. She made a few final notes on her clipboard then said – Congratulations you passed!

These were my notes just a few days later. 9/18/22: I was extremely excited about car shopping until Isaac busted my bubble. He doesn’t think I should get a car. I felt like my whole life has been put on hold for over a year and I finally feel like I’m starting to move forward a little and he tells me he’s not supportive of me buying a car.

I was mad! I should’ve known better to not sell my car. Should’ve! Could’ve! Would’ve! Too late now

Looking back I recognize I was caught up in my feelings and I felt a loss of identity. His reasoning made sense. When I purchased my vehicle in 2019 my interest rate was 1.9%. Even with an above average credit rating, the interest rates in 2022 to buy were around 5%. I really didn’t need a vehicle. To be honest, I didn’t have anywhere to go besides therapy and back. Furthermore, I was too depressed to do anything. I merely wanted a car just to feel dignified again, to feel a sense of independence. But deep down even buying a car, even a brand new car wasn’t going to change how I felt about myself. Yes, I could afford a brand new vehicle and park it in the garage to collect dust and make payments on it just to prove I can do it. However, my frugal and logical, common sense side would be opposed to that. Numbing my pain was not what I wanted or needed.

The most important reality is I AM LEGALLY CLEARED TO DRIVE! I have a license and paperwork to say I’m of mental and sound mind with the physical ability to drive. Nobody can take that from me. Watch out world! When the timing is right, I’ll be back on the road again. God willing, I’ll be posting about my car shopping process soon!