That’s what I grew up learning. Growing up from an immigrant background. I learned “we” had to work harder because it was a privilege to be in America and we had to work harder than those born here. After spending 2 years in a refugee camp, we came to the US when I was 3. I watched my father model what it was like being a hard worker. He worked 2 jobs, 7 days a week to care and provide for me and my grandparents. He didn’t mind putting in the work. He always taught me Hard work pays off.

Growing up without a mom, I had to learn how to care for myself most of my childhood. By the age of 17, I was living on my own and had to find a way to make a living without help from my family. What lacked in means, I made up for in drive, stubbornness, determination and sheer will to succeed. I was a decent student. Don’t believe the stereotype, not all Chinese people are geniuses, good grades didn’t always come easy to me. But I noticed a trend when I put some effort into studying, my grades paid off. Same with work. The more I learned, the more I grew. The more I applied myself, the more I received. Hard work pays off. Growth was visible and could be measured; there is a feeling of accomplishment with every A + received, every new skill learned, every new opportunity received, every promotion, every raise. Hard work pays off. Every penny earned was saved and pennies turned to dollars saved, the more my savings grew; a well deserved vacation was earned. Hard work pays off. Same as putting in effort at the gym, eating a well balanced diet, you will reach your goal weight. Hard work pays off. That became the formula I followed in life. I work hard, bust my butt, the reward will eventually come. I used the formula for the past 30 years and it’s proven true. The concept was basic and just so common sense there wouldn’t be a situation it wouldn’t apply to…right?

Just a few days ago on May 22nd, my Occupational Therapist says to me during one of our 7am daily sessions “Stephanie, we need to discuss your ongoing OT therapy. It’s been almost 3 years and you still do not have active extension in your fingers. There’s not much more we can do at this time, ” Everything she said after that just drowned out. It was harsh. Sounds like she’s telling me I’ve come to a (GULP) plateau. It heartbreaking to hear. I dread that word. In stroke recovery the word “PLATEAU” is the devil 😈 , I’ve had 3 rounds of Botox in my lumbricals to help loosen the tone in my fingers, however, it’s true currently I am unable to actively move them. It’s almost 3 years, does that mean it’ll never come back? I can’t even fathom the thought of that.

😭 GREAT QUOTES & LIES I BELIEVED 😭

• Work and you’ll get what you need; work harder and you’ll get what you want” – Prabakaran Thirumalai 
• “When you play, play hard; when you work, don’t play at all” – Theodore Roosevelt 
• “Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard” – Tim Notke 
• “Success is often achieved by those who don’t know that failure is inevitable” – Coco Chanel 
• “A dream does not become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work” 
• “The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary”

Since my stroke, I believed my hard work will eventually pay off and I will continue to have gains. I continuously put effort in my therapy. I still go to daily therapy and commit to doing home exercises but now at 46 years of age, I’m just now learning hard work does NOT ALWAYS payoff. I put in the hours, I put in the work, I put in real blood, sweat and tears. I’m sad, disappointed with feelings of hopelessness creeping up again. You can only be your own cheerleader for so long before the energy is completely depleted. My heart hurts, my soul feels defeated.

Why God?? Why has my life become this now?? I really don’t know how much more I can take of this. Adapting to life after a stroke is one thing but not having hope is detrimental to the soul. Everything in my life has been so black and white. If you put in the effort, you will get the return, wasn’t that the formula?

Hard work = Pay off

I wish to could wrap up the post with some miraculous news to share like my fingers started wiggling right at this moment as I’m typing but this isn’t a Hollywood movie or fictional novel. This is real life, it’s my raw, authentic story.

I’m devastated. I’m heartbroken. I cannot heal my broken brain and regrow neurons. I can’t fix my neurological damage. I may have been naive to think that the “hard work pays off” formula could apply to parts of my dead brain. I can’t bring back what has died. At least not in a logical, rational sense. My brain may be broken but my spirit is not. I will still sing my praises and pray for healing to the great I AM. Miracles do happen. My story is still unfolding and the ending has not been written. The best is yet to come.

“Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.Nothing will be impossible for you.”

Mathew 17:20

For now I will need to hold on tight to my mustard seed of FAITH

Jesus+Nothing=EVERYTHING

Psalms 42

For the director of music. A maskil of the Sons of Korah.

1 As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God.

2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?

3 My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

4 These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty Onewith shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng.

5 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

6 My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

7 Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

8 By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I say to God my Rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?”

10 My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

11 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Even in life’s hardest and most depressing seasons, God is with us and is listening to us. I take encouragement from Psalms 42. This is a song about the hopelessness of my current condition. It speaks to deep sorrow and grief that is experienced in life. The writer of Psalm 42 does not know why he is so downcast. He’s not sure why certain things are happening to him. And so he goes to God in prayer and song, expressing the deepest parts of his soul. I can’t help but feel how relatable this is even centuries apart. We all experience grief and sadness during different seasons of our lives. The writer of this Psalm speaks to his own soul and encourages himself to continue to hope in God. He knows that no season lasts forever, and there will come a time when joy returns to him. I pray over my situation and pray you can find comfort in yours too.

PRAYER
God, it's easy for me to worry about circumstances in my life. Each day, help me to remember that You are always in control.
Today, I'm trusting in Your provision, protection, and plans for me. Because I know You care about every need and desire I have
—I know I can rest.
Give me peace as I give You control of my life.
In Jesus' name, Amen.