Where do I start?
I’m up at the crack of dawn, pulling my long hair into a bun as I lace up my tennis shoes to head up out the door for a morning run, the crisp breeze feels fresh against my skin. I head home just before the sunrise and run up the stairs to wrap my hands and put on my boxing gloves to hit a few rounds on the punching bag.
Oh wait….. that was the morning of 6/22/2021 the day before my stroke.
Alright let’s get back to today and post stroke Me. I tried writing at year 1 and tried again at year 2 but I was so still so angry.
Bear with me, today’s message is a vomit of brutally honest feelings. Today is my 3 year stroke-anniversary. Apparently, “grateful” people celebrate these type of milestones. I honestly tried all day yesterday preparing for today and get in the mindset of being grateful for these past 3 years of life. What words of encouragement can I share to someone who is struggling. I mean, I’m still alive so I must have some purpose here to share something to enlighten others. Otherwise, what’s my purpose as a disabled, stroke survivor? There’s purpose to my pain, right?
Everyone tells me look at how far you’ve come, the many blessings I do have and what I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR. Everyone tells me look at the positive, stop focusing on the negative. Practice gratitude. Be grateful for the breath I’m taking in my lungs, the ability to see. How about the ONE working arm I do have, the ONE leg and foot I still have, my ability to still think and work. And my favorite, it could always be worse.
Everyone seems to forget my body is not whole. What do you think I feel on my left side? There’s pain, unbearable tightness, involuntary movement and sometimes no movement. Nobody understands the constant pain of spasticity that occurs 24×7. That my brain misfires connections to my nerves all day and I’m in constant battle with my own body. Because I have a fully functioning mind, I don’t want to be medicated because I don’t want to be numb all day. I want to face reality.
Reality is I had a traumatic brain injury and my young body operates at the speed of a 99 year old woman but in a 46 year old body.
I miss what my life could’ve been. I miss all the experiences I could’ve had. I miss all the could’ve been opportunities. I miss being able to really live the rest life.
To be able to walk the beaches across the country, hike mountains, travel the world. I spent my younger life working hard to raise our child, build a family and save money for a future that is now gone. Now that our daughter is old enough to live her life, my husband and I were finally going to spend time together to enjoy the fruit of our labor for a few years until our grandchildren came.
Is it not ok to say that this is the pain and grief I’m dealing with at year 3? I don’t want to sugarcoat my pain. I am beyond grateful for my husband and daughter. They are the only reason I choose to still fight. I’m grateful for my nephew and nieces. But truth be told, sometimes I wish I was an angel watching over all their lives and my life ended that night 3 years ago.
I said this in the very beginning when I started this blog, God is the one writing my story and there will be pages I want to rip out – like this one – but I’m holding true to being raw and vulnerable. I’m going to be faithful to see what’s in my next chapter.
“A bruised reed will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice.”
Isaiah 42:3
I’d love to hear a word of encouragement from you in the comments.
Stephanie Torres 
5 responses to “Life at Year 3”
Hang in there Steph. You’ve got this, I know you do. No, that’s not right….what I meant to say is that God’s got this. “A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers them from them all.” Psalm 34:19 “Whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.” John 14:13 “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
I know this is a heartbreaking season for you. But you are strong, amazing, and I know you will get through this with God’s help.
When you realize that every seemingly bad event nudged you to a path of many good events, you’ll reset your definition of good and bad. Nothing is ever good or bad, but thinking makes it so! – Mo Gawdat, Solve for Happy (and his son died in his 20’s at the hand of a surgeon during a routine appendectomy).
It’s totally OK of course to be angry and sad for what you thought this season would be for you but just please hang in there (and I know you will), and let’s wait and see what wondrous things God will do with this awful situation. Love you.
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I should share something that happened several weeks ago. I was brave enough to try on a shirt that I hadn’t worn in a while because I wanted to wear something nice and not my normal cotton t shirts. After putting on my blouse. I felt it didn’t match my pants so I decided to change to a different shirt. Well, I ended up stuck in my shirt, not because it didn’t fit but because I couldn’t pull it over my head to take it off or move my left arm in a way that I could maneuver out of it. I was stuck in a shirt for 40 min and nobody was home. Kaylen found me in the bathroom sobbing because I couldn’t get out of my fucking shirt. This my daily life now. I feel like a child.
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F@#$ that shirt. You’ve got this. 🙂
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Hey Stephanie, I could feel your heartache and pain in your writing. I’m sorry for the loss and grief over your bodies ability…and all the pain and anger to come with it about your life. The feelings you shared remind me of Joni Eareckson and her story of becoming quadriplegic at a young age.. and wrestling with how that could give glory to God. She really ministered to me when I wrestled with my own anger, feeling trapped in my body after a TBI.
I am sorry for your loss. I want to validate how you are feeling, and I think it’s positive you are being honest with how you feel. Your whole world has been turned upside down and it can be easy to direct those feelings toward God (not saying you are), and my hope is that you find that God can withstand your anger, pain, grief, frustration, guilt over not feeling grateful enough and depression.
Joni’s story is that it took time for her to allow God to comfort her. It was a process which took several years. Finally the many negative emotions became a sincere desire to know God’s will for her life and to find the peace He offered.
In my darkest time and feeling hopeless, Isaiah 42:3 comforted me and also this quote, “Beloved, no longer do we have the right to define our days, times or seasons as good or bad because for us all is grace. Sometimes its a grace to enjoy and sometimes its a grace to endure and often times it’s a little of both at the same time.” Graham Cooke
Stephanie I am lifting you up in prayer today and praying for a miracle of your life. You are seen and dearly loved. God has not forgotten you.
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Dearest Stephanie,
I look at the keyboard of my phone as thoughts rush through my mind. Intently, seeking to hear words of comfort from the Holy Spirit to share with you. I choose not to share comparisons from the testimonies from myself or others. I think of the word ‘Nevertheless’ used in scripture as I ponder the meaning of the circumstances of life. We know you are grateful as does our heavenly Father. He also knows you are grieving the loss of life you had and planned for. He knows you get angry, tired and plum worn out. Nevertheless, His mercies are new each day. Continue to celebrate your victories on the days you’re able. When you can’t, it’s a Nevertheless kinda day. You make this life a better place for those you encounter daily. You cause folks to want to do better, be better by your shear will and determination. I respect you for so many reasons. But, I release you from wearing the Superwoman cape. Disrobe, it’s OK. Your faith in God will carry you through these trying times. Cry when you feel like, cuss if you must then dust yourself off like Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With Wind. The Word says, You are an overcomer! Stay encouraged.
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