May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Romans 15:13

As the days of 2023 start to close, I get asked the same question and hear the same conversations. What’s your goal for the new year? What’s your New Year’s resolution? Everyone is accustomed to thinking it takes a new year to change a habit, do something new, be someone different, be a better wife, husband, friend, worker, listener, etc.etc. But we all know we don’t have to wait until the clock strikes 24:01 and the last digit of the next year rolls over to make a change.

We can make these changes anytime we want whether it be daily, weekly, monthly. My therapist asked me in our last session of 2023 something nobody ever asked me before and not something I ever thought to ask myself. It was a simple question that I didn’t have an answer for. Imagine that! 😂

“Stephanie, what do you want to feel in 2024?”Feel? You mean, that’s something I can control? I never put any thought into my feelings. For the past 2 years since my stroke all I felt was pain, anger, fear, doubt, disappointment, shame and guilt. To me, it didn’t matter how I felt because it didn’t change my physical circumstances. I have taken all of those feelings to fuel me to get better. If I let my feelings take hold of me, I would be a bitter and depressed person who would have a daily pity party and I swore I would never result to that. While I have made some gains physically, I did not recognize what God was doing in my life as a miracle. I felt cursed everyday. I hear the snickers and see the side eye from people. (People whose opinions shouldn’t matter) I was determined to get physically better but I had neglected taking care of my mental health. Intellectually, I knew I needed to take care of my mind and emotions just as much as my physical body. But like drawers and closets in a house, it’s easy to ‘hide’, ‘stuff away’ the junk and just display the best to the world.

My inner self was a mess. I felt unworthy, ugly, insecure and a burden to everyone. Those who mattered in my life never told me that but it didn’t matter because I believed that about myself.

“Stephanie, how do you want to feel in 2024?”

Dr. Amy

‘PEACE’ was my response. I wanted peace in the midst of my season. I wanted to feel OK even when my situation was not. I explained, I didn’t want average Joe peace like other people think of peace. I NEEDED SUPERNATURAL PEACE – only the kind Jesus could give me. I wanted a peaceful feeling of comfort, a peace that could not be shaken and would surpass all human understanding.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” 

John 14:27

Now, I’m at the mercy of time and faith. And the one thing I have learned is you can’t rush a brain injury. Miraculously, my cognition was not severely impacted, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to journal and share my journey. While I’m still pushing my physical ability daily and working to regain function, I know I need to work on the broken many pieces inside of me.

“You will keep in ^[a]perfect and constant peace the one whose mind is steadfast [that is, committed and focused on You—in both ^[b]inclination and character],
Because he trusts and takes refuge in You [with hope and confident expectation].

Isaiah 26:3 AMP

I don’t think prior to my stroke I ever felt that type of peace. My upbringing never allowed me to learn the simple foundation of SELF-LOVE. You can’t love yourself when you are brought up to be a better version of yourself everyday. I’m constantly searching to love the ‘improved’ version of me. I watched my dad struggle to provide for our family. He told me in his own loving way “We sacrificed everything [including my mother’s life- story for another day/post]to bring you to the United States to have a better life so it was my responsibility and duty to better myself.” Mix that upbringing with a lot of self-help 20th century motivational speakers and a (gift/curse) of disciplined, driven nature, I became my worst critic physically and emotionally. I strived for perfection in everything I did. I took a lot of pride in my work. Everyday was an opportunity to be better than I was yesterday. I mean, what’s the harm when you are only comparing yourself to yesterday? My biggest competitor was the ‘yesterday’ me. What happens when the ‘yesterday Me’ was not handicapped?!

I truly wanted to feel that peace that the world couldn’t offer me. Soooooooo I thought to myself ‘how the heck do I find it???’

I started the next week, day after day praying for it and actively seeking it. I woke up in the morning expecting peace, asking for peace and looking for peace. When my day went south, I paused and reflected on the issue but I didn’t let the ‘issue’ dictate my need for peace. Events fell into categories of ‘in my control’ and ‘out of my control’. For the events in my control, they fell into the categories ‘urgent now’ or ‘later’.

As I actively set the intention to search for peace, over the course of several consistent days, the result was peace came more naturally to me and the calmness and comfort were feelings I had never experienced before. I was seeing the word Peace’ and experiencing the comfort of Peace in my core more and more everyday.

I still have many moments of doubt and struggle. My life is still a journey of uphill battles and deep valleys but I’m not the same person who went through the deep valleys of despair at the beginning of my disability. I will say I felt maybe God purposely didn’t draw near to me as a test of my faithfulness as he did with Hezekiah in 2 Chronicles 32:31. However, I as I continue to seek His goodness, he is faithful and I am learning to find comfort and peace in my soul.

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

Jeremiah 29:13

God, without You, I am nothing. All of my life belongs to You alone, and so I ask that You would use my life for Your glory. Set me apart to do the good works You have planned in advance for me. Change the way I think and the way I live.
Draw me closer to You, and remind me of Your unfailing love. In Jesus’ name, Amen.